Fascination with modern crime shows

For the past several days the two hottest things on my twitter feed have revolved around Miley Cyrus at the VMAs and Breaking Bad. Since I could not possibly care any less than I already do about Miley, let's talk for a minute about the second thing. And hell, why don't we throw in a few others as well.

Let's talk about Breaking Bad, Dexter, and White Collar (since these are the ones that I happen to watch). Not too many people watch the last, so the primary focus will be on Breaking Bad and Dexter, but I happen to enjoy the witty banter between the two main characters in the USA show so I feel like mentioning it.

Breaking Bad is, according to wikipedia, "the story of Walter White, a struggling high school chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer at the beginning of the series. He turns to a life of crime, producing and selling methamphetamine with a former student, Jesse Pinkman. Walter's primary goal, when he begins manufacturing the methamphetamine, is securing his family's financial future before he dies."

Dexter, with the same source, "centers on Dexter Morgan, a blood spatter pattern analyst for a fictional Miami Metro Police Department who also leads a secret life as a serial killer."

White collar, similarly, is about a conman that agrees to work with the FBI catching criminals to get out of prison.

These are shows about crime, specifically criminals. They differ considerably from shows like Criminal Minds or CSI or NCIS, solely because the criminals are the main characters.

But they're great because we root for the bad guy. 

People want Walter and Jesse to get away, even though we know they'll probably end up in jail or prison. We want Dexter to escape to some country that doesn't extradite to the United States, even though he will also probably end up in prison. 

What this goes to prove is that perception plays more of a role in life than we intend to let on. These shows, with main views on the lives of these criminals, show just that. The daily life of an average human being, with a little bit added on.

People are fascinated with the concept of breaking the law, but, in a sense, are much too afraid to do so themselves. Watching someone else break the law is amusing and not at all dangerous. There's no chance you can go to prison for sitting on your couch watching Walter White make meth or crossing your fingers in hopes that Dexter won't get caught by the same people he works with. Unless you're pirating everything, of course. 

But we're fascinated by murder weapons and motives and why people do the things that they do, if only because we're explicitly told, throughout our lives, not to do them. Mother tells us not to do drugs, the law tells us we aren't allowed to kill people.

Yet there's a desire somewhere deep down to engage in things like this, the forbidden fruit. It's been human nature since the written times of the bible with Adam and Eve.

Wanting to break the law is in our nature, yet we value our lives too much to do it ourselves. Thus we turn to watching the shows from the safety and comfort of our own homes.

So sad and slow?

"We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."

Writer Thomas Merton gets the attribution for that quote right there.

Not counting celebrities and men that I just like to stare at, I've been seriously attracted to probably about six people in the nineteen years that I've been around, give or take one or so. Considering how many men I've been around over the years and how many people are around on campus, how is that possible? How can I see people walking around and not just be instantly attracted to them?

Let's just say you go to a car lot to look for a new car. You see some pretty nice vehicles that you would consider buying, but you don't just go over to a car and immediately say "This is the one that I want for the next five years of my life."

No. You get in the car, you inspect the interior, you get to know the car's history and the mechanics or the vehicle. You give it a test drive and you weigh your options, and only then do you agree to buy the car.

This is how I look at men. Sure, I can look at men just as often I look at the Aston Martin website, but that doesn't mean I'm signing my life away immediately. Looking is nice, but learning is even nicer.

Of the six +/- men that I found myself attracted to, they all have one thing in common.

No, they don't all look alike or have the same personality. In fact, as a writer, I can give you chapters and chapters of how each man is different from his predecessor and how each could sink a ship in his own way. That's what I do.

Every single one of them, however, had the same beginning. We were friends. I got to know the mechanics and the interiors before I fell for the car.

People might consider that a high standard.

I consider it a good bit of skepticism before I invest time in something.

People are always talking about how time is valuable, about how life is short, but if life is so short, why would you waste time on something you know for sure won't pan out? Why would you spend time with someone you don't value to his/her fullest? Or someone that doesn't value you?

Why would you buy a car without looking into it, only to have it break down and get a flat tire, to abandon it on the side of the freeway a month later?

Apparently I couldn't possibly like men?

Today I went to get my oil changed at my dad's work. So instead of spending laborious hours doing it myself at home (Oh my god, wait she knows how to do basic car repairs what the fuck??) I went to visit my dad and get my brakes checked out because I'm one of those people that knows what their car is supposed to sound like and knows when something is off, so to speak.

Of course, my dad had already left, but I needed the oil change and brake check-up anyway. Plus why waste a thirty minute drive down Telegraph (Any and all metro-Detroiters know that road is the devil)?

So I pulled in and got out of my car, like always. Generally I wander around and talk to my dad or harass his coworkers that I've known for like ten years, but I wasn't feeling up to it today.

Today there were roofers working on the house behind my dad's small building. They were shirtless and they were, for want of better words, fine as hell. You know exactly what I'm talking about -- that sun kissed tan that you only get from spending hours outside working your ass off instead of laying on the beach. There's a difference, you can tell.

Now this isn't a blog about my sexual objectification of men, though that is in fact what I was doing, just as many men look at women the same way.

I was admiring these men for their chiseled abs and gorgeous skin, I'm not denying it.

I made a casual remark that maybe I should temporarily get a job there for the next few days, camp out in the back parking lot, get a little greased up from some minor car work. And then I told one of my dad's coworkers to move, they were blocking my view.

To which point he replied "I didn't even know you could be attracted to men."

Woah, woah. Wait.

Back up a few steps before I shove you into the oil change pit. What did you just say to me? I can't be attracted to men?

Since when?

A while ago I wrote a blog about how people that don't date continuously (Or ever, really) aren't taken seriously. About how supposedly, because of my lack of dating for almost twenty years, I couldn't possibly be attracted to someone, let alone someone of the opposite sex -- because apparently short hair is indicative of being a lesbian.

Get down off of your married-sexless high horse for a minute sir and recant your statement before you canter off into the sunset, barely hanging onto your saddle horn.

Women, just like men, can admire something for it's beauty. They can watch porn. They can masturbate. They don't have to date to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex.

Please stop looking at women as though they're sexless in their own minds, but sexual objects for you to enjoy.

Please.

Before I need to write another angry blog.

Or kick you.

Strangers

Do you know what it is
to be a stranger in your own home?

To come to visit
instead of live.
To reach for a cup
and find the plates.
To realize, one day,
that your key no longer fits?

Do you know what it is
to be a stranger to your family?

For your mother to tell you lies
about her whereabouts,
like a teenage daughter.
For your father to warn you about traffic
implying you shouldn't come to visit.
For you to realize, one day,
your "i love you" text messages
are actually a template in your phone.

Do you know what it is
to be a stranger to yourself?

To not know what to do
when the future is right around the corner.
To no longer know what you want in life
or if you want life at all.
To understand stranger danger
as not being directed at others,
but to be afraid of no longer knowing yourself.

How to forget someone.

Hold back your tears. Do not let them make you cry. Cry only for yourself and only when no one can see you.

Walk out. Leave everything behind and walk out.

Sit in the cold. Let the numbness take over your body. Listen to the wind as you lose the feeling in your toes, feel the bones in your body move as you shiver, breathe out, only to watch your breath in the night air.

Breathe in and hold your breath. Count to ten.

Watch your breath escape again. Envy it. Know that you want to escape.

Lean back, stare at the stars. Know that they're dead. Wonder how long ago they died, if they're remembered. Wonder if one day you will be a star.

Tell everyone that you are fine. Stand up, walk around, let them poke you and hug you -- Demonstrate that you still have feeling in your body, even if you feel nothing inside, if you want to feel nothing.

Smile and thank them before you sit back down. Don't let your voice crack, it would give you away, the out of tune heart string falling off of the old guitar in the back of your closet.

Let the dust accumulate on your thoughts. Think of nothing, think of the cold, think of the person you want to forget.

Tell yourself they are foolish, that they are stupid. Tell yourself that maybe they aren't so bad, aren't so stupid. Hope that they suffer and then tell yourself that you want them to be happy, even if you are miserable.

Whisper that you want them to be as cold as you are, frigid, but warm enough to survive in the world.

Hate yourself for days, weeks. Eat a lot, drink a lot.

Avoid eye contact with everyone.

Hold back your frustration and your hatred and your guilt until you get home, until you crawl into the warm shower and into bed. Pull the covers around yourself, disappear in them, long for a time of happiness.

Define happiness as waking up and realizing that your dreams could never be better than reality, and realize that you don't actually know what happiness is.

Dream of someone else. Replace them, even if it's with someone you never see. Replace them in your heart and let them fade slowly from the rest of your body, like the numbness and cold slipped away under your covers.

I wrote this for you ; (fiction)

In between breaths and paces, somewhere in the middle of an alley, I realized my tears were broken. I could not cry or weep or morn at the fact you don't want me anymore.

I told you, once upon a time, Si me quieres, no me olvides.

I just left and you've already forgotten me.

A resignation

Consider this my New York Times letter by Don Draper, in which I am officially handing in my resignation from love, dating, relationships and everything in between. It isn't a sudden notion, more one that has been looming on the horizon for years.

I'm quitting the world of false promises and empty feelings for good.

And before this gets out of hand and I become some bitter college student who thinks her opinions are the world's problems, this isn't something I've considered lightly and it's certainly not something that I'm considering with a bitter tone. I'm willfully making this decision with very little to no pain.

In fact it's probably going to be a lot less harmful this way.

Over the years I've played this game. No board, no monopoly money, no rules. And the numerous times I've sat down with my game face on, I happen to pull the same card: Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. So I'm withdrawing my playing piece.

Sometimes you have to put the games away before you can appreciate them again.

It's like that scene in The Santa Clause 2, when all of the adults at the Christmas party are given gifts representing their childhoods. They get excited.

Perhaps love is the same. You pursue it for a little while, realize you hate the game and you put it away, only to take it out years later, dust it off, and try to play again.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. 

So after an incredible losing streak, I'm putting the game into a box and tucking it into the closet. I'll forget about the existence for a little while, pursue other things, grow up. 

Focusing on yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

Perhaps, in trying to turn myself into a better person, a playing board will stumble into my lap. It's incredibly doubtful, since they don't exactly have legs, but the option exists.

This isn't a lock down. This isn't a bitter declaration against love. 

This is simply a resignation, a statement that I will not engage in playing games anymore. I won't pursue a win, and I certainly won't pursue someone to play games with.

I'll let them come to me and, if the time is right, perhaps the cards will fall into play.

Why I, as a writer, hate my writing

Have you ever done something so incredibly stupid that you know damn well you will remember that moment for the rest of your life?

Welcome to every sentence of fiction that I try to write.

People always give the excuse that everyone is his/her own worst critic, which could be the truth, absolutely.  Or it could potentially be the fact that we legitimately, with every fiber of our being, dislike our work.

But that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. In fact it's probably a blessing.

Writers, artists in general, myself really. I strive to make the best out of 26 little letters, to rearrange them in a million different possible ways to try to come up with something that I, and hopefully other people, will enjoy. We aim to please ourselves, because writing for other people and attempting to please them first will, in the end, make you to hate your life.

Take this blog for instance. As I type it, I can't believe I'm about to publish it on the internet for other people to read. But does anyone actually read this fucking thing? No. Why am I publishing it? Why am I even bothering to write it? Simply because of the fact that I need something to put down my thoughts, to put down one-liners and clever quotes and places and descriptions and opinions.

I need somewhere to please myself.

Now God damn it get your mind out of the gutter.

I write for myself is all I'm trying to say. I write because I really don't have another option.

I over think, I day dream, I make things up. I can only keep so much in that in my head before I start to forget and things start to fade.

I write for myself.

With that in mind, I'm free to criticize myself.

When you imagine something that first time it's just so perfect, so right. But when you go to put it into words something doesn't fit. Something is off, one word is wrong, the names need to be changed or the setting or the speaking or the accents that you imagine in your head as you read. It isn't right.

So you redo it, you rethink it, you start to dilute it in your head, trying to get it to the way that you thought of it way back when. And you know, somewhere, that you imagined it once. You should be able to do it again. But somehow nothing will take you back to that first time. No matter how hard you try.

People, the people that weren't there when you first got an idea, will tell you that it's fine. They'll tell you that it's great, that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. But you know, somewhere, that you can be better.

Yet no matter how hard you try, it doesn't seem like you can.

Welcome to the vicious cycle.

The road is confusing and dangerous.

Do you know how to tell if you're in the middle of nowhere?

Do you have cell service? If yes, then you're not. If no, do you have T-Mobile as a service provider? If yes, you might just be in your basement. If not, then you are probably in the middle of butt fuck nowhere.

But just to be safe, count the number of cars on the road and the seconds between houses. The fewer the cars and the larger the seconds, the more likely that you're stuck in the middle of God only knows where.

And you probably have no idea where you're going.

Your GPS doesn't work, you're shit out of a map, and there are no road signs anywhere because the only people that drive in this land before time town are the people that live there and know where they're going.

You seem to be fucked.

You know exactly where you need to be, but you have no idea how to get to that destination.

Welcome to the intersection of Love and Loss.

So many things have changed in my life over the past year that I've learned a thing or two. People that are married for 20+ years will grow apart and get divorced, only to find other people to connect with. People that you never imagined ending up together will one day be standing at the altar, while you're sitting in the church pew silently wondering how in hell (mind: you have to whisper that, since you're in church) they fell in love and you're still there without a date.

But here's a concept that I've touched on numerous times in these blog posts: People come into your life for a reason and they leave because that reason has come to a conclusion.

But here is the number one reason that someone will come into your life: To give you directions. These people will show you what happiness feels like and then they will leave. It might seem that they were only out to hurt your feelings, but that isn't true.

People will show up, teach you what Love and Happiness are, and then they will leave. And you will be sad for a while. But then when you find someone else, you will know. You will remember just what that happiness felt like, what the feeling of love felt like, and you won't question yourself.

Loss and pain exist to teach us what possession and happiness are.

Why do you think I was permanently tattooed with that quote?

There are always speed bumps that might put you out of commission for a while. You will probably run out of gas or get a flat tire at some point in your life. There will be sharp turns and twists and you will have to slow down and you will have to speed up. You will pass people and you will have accidents.

But you can't be afraid to get behind the wheel because you might get a flat tire or you might accidentally hit a fucking deer in the middle of nowhere. Deer are fucking stupid.

You can't let yourself be afraid of the "What if I get a flat tire at 4 in the morning?"

You get behind the wheel and you drive and you don't stop until you get there. Rain, sleet, stupid fucking deer, flat tires, snow storms, hurricanes, really stupid passengers abound.

The road was not meant to be easy.

But the destination. The destination is always beautiful.

Especially at sunset.

Why I remember what I do

I've noticed that people get a little freaked out when I remember these small, seemingly insignificant details about their lives. They do a double take when I remember their middle name or the day they were born or their star sign or their favorite band or things that they hate.

How do you know that?

I pay attention. I pride myself on listening to others when they speak, to remembering the things that they might not deem important. Everything is important, even if I just want to get rid of a few birthday cards in my nightstand or listen to music that people won't yell at me for.

Maybe it's an error in my judgement, but people like to be remembered. People like to feel special every now and again, like maybe something in their life is important to someone.

As was said in the movie "Shall We Dance," We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

It's true. If no one is around to remember us, did we ever exist?

We need these history books and people to tell stories about us. We need people to remember us, long after we are gone. They make tombstones and photographs for a reason.

We aim to exist.

So when I hear a bit of information, like a birthday, some part of me wants to store that around for later.  So I do. I remember it and then people forget that they ever said anything. And when I use that information, people are slightly shocked.

But can you possibly tell me that they aren't a little bit pleased that they were remembered?

My Father Who Lives Downstairs

I was eight years old when my parents got divorced. As a child I suppose I never understood what divorce meant; I simply observed the typical behavior of my parents. My mother would yell at my father, call him a fuck-up, call him an alcoholic.

My father would grunt, nod in agreement, and retreat downstairs. My father didn’t speak much, not unless he had to. Even today we don’t have novel-length conversations. He asks me about my day, comments on whether or not I need a haircut, and occasionally on a losing sports team. He’s a man of very few words, but he never says anything that he doesn’t mean.

He never told my mother that he hated her, never spoke a cross word in her name. 

There were the fights, the arguments that made me plug my ears or run outside, escape to my tree house or my secret place in the woods. I used a pocket knife I got from Johnny Massa in first grade to mark my flight from home. I never got to count all of the little marks I made with that rusty blade.

The tree got cut down when I was eighteen.

My mother lived upstairs and my father moved downstairs. My brother Matt and I shared a room. Our house was tiny. My parents only planned on having one child when they bought the house, but I was an accident. They had nowhere else to put me.

Just like we had nowhere else to put my father.

So my mother put him in the basement.

Neither of them spoke to each other, we never ate dinner together, went anywhere as a family. My father would go to work an hour early to miss my mother, sometimes stay out late. My mother would take us to school, go to work, fix us dinner, and then go to bed.

She would never fall asleep -- at least not right away. I had a feeling she would stay up late, listen for him, for when he got home, listen to the footsteps as he retreated downstairs into his basement.

Then the little lamp by her bed would flicker off. I imagine she just lay there, staring at the wall or the ceiling -- or the darkness that stood in the way of what she wanted to see.

My brother and I would do the same thing, whispering across the room, questioning the other as to whether or not he was awake. We would have contests -- Whoever fell asleep first would lose. Most of the time it was me, or it was me pretending to lose, refraining from answering my brother when he asked me if he had won, staying as still as I could when he climbed out of bed and tiptoed across the room to poke me. I was very good at not laughing, very good at not making a sound, not smiling. I was very good at pretending to be asleep, at ignoring everything.

When he had determined that I was sleeping he would sneak back across the room and crawl into bed. I would only wait a few minutes before he would start to snore, and then I would climb and creak my way down the stairs into the kitchen.

I had to move slowly to avoid waking the monster.

I could make it to the bottom of the stairs before he started making noise. I would close my eyes and wait, listening, beating myself up that I didn’t think to bring my can of monster spray. I would put my hands over my eyes when the stairs started to moan so I wouldn’t be tempted to open them when the monster came to eat me.

I would stand like that for minutes until the creaks stopped and listened, only to smell the monster.

I could never understand the odd mix of smells, but they would quickly disappear. 

“Why are you out of bed?” My father would chase the monster away.

“Water.” I would whisper and attach myself to his leg.

He would pat the top of my head and slur his laugh. “I’ll get it for you.” He would push me off of his leg and disappear into the darkness for a few minutes. I would close my eyes and wait for his return, listening to see if I could hear the monster from the basement. 

I would hear the cupboard door whine before closing loudly, ice rattling around in the tupperware bowl we kept in the freezer, the tap water exploding out of the sink. Then nothing. A brief moment of silence, then shuffling feet across the floor. My father would put his hand on my head again, and I would take the water.

He would pat me on the head, “good night” me, and then he would slip away into the basement to fight off the monster. I would run up the stairs, spilling half of the water in the glass my father had given me on my way.

#

My father left his basement and took the monsters with him.

My brother left for college. 

My mother no longer had to pretend the basement didn’t exist.

I no longer had to pretend to be asleep.

Once a week I would stay up later than usual, flashlight in hand, stolen family picture album with me under the covers. 

Our family vacation to my grandfather’s house in Pennsylvania when I was six: the road trip, the numerous accidents along the way. Mostly pictures of me sleeping in the car, later staring at my great grandmother like she was an ancient witch. I could imagine her, slinking out of her rocking chair and onto a broom.

The wedding album from before my brother’s or my time. Photos of my mother with a smile, of my father in something other than his work shirt and jeans. My grandparents, all living, my uncle Joe with his wig on backwards to make my brother laugh.

My grandparents were mostly dead now, uncle Joe had accepted his baldness, and my father was still wearing the same clothes. The wedding dress was now hanging in the basement, falling every now and then from the hanger to collect dirt. My brother once made me try it on, it would “make me cool” he would say.

It just made my mother angry. 

When she would go to the bathroom late at night I would turn the flashlight off and pretend to be asleep. The toilet would flush and the faucet would run and then her door would close. I would sneak back down the stairs with the album, careful not to step on the last stair, replacing the book of the past before she woke up the next morning. Not that she would go looking for memories that she hated.

My brother wouldn't come home too often. When he did he would go out with his old high school friends, avoid home as much as he possibly could. They would drink cheap booze and smoke cheap cigarettes under the one bridge in our town. They would throw their beer bottles into the river and watch them sink.

I watched a lot of things sink. Never a beer bottle.

My mother told me not to be an alcoholic. She told me not to be my father or my brother. I was her angel. She would grab my cheeks and call me her sweet everything before she went back upstairs and closed her door.

Some days I would sneak back down into the basement and sit in the dark, waiting for the monsters to come out. 

I wanted to be like my father. I wanted to scare away the monster. I never got the chance. He never came back.

I left for college.

#

“What are you drinking?”

“Iced tea.”

“Oh.”

I had enough of trying to find monsters by the time I was twenty-six. There were enough monsters in the world without me trying to find any more. The only monsters were the monsters in my son’s closet.

I wiped a bead of sweat off of the beer in front of me. “Dad.”

A grunt.

“Remember, when I was nine or ten or, whatever age it was... And I would come downstairs for a glass of water. And you would somehow scare away all of the monsters from the basement and get my drink?”

A man of many words.

“How did you do it?”

A shrug. “There were no monsters.” I envisioned him patting my head, ten years old, standing at the bottom of a staircase in the dark.

“Listen. I don’t, uh, I mean I don’t know how to say this. Or if you want to hear it. I mean, you probably don’t.”

No grunt this time. He just stared at me, waiting for me to go on.

“I, well. She...”

He stirred his drink with his straw, over and over again, around the glass. We both stayed silent for what seemed like an eternity. I was pretty sure that he understood what I was trying to say.

“Mom. She... she died... Last night.”

He looked up from his drink in silence, his hand still on the straw, stirring, always stirring. He nodded slowly and let the straw go. He waved over the waiter and said something to her, a woman that reminded me of my wife.

“She had cancer, you know. Well, you don’t. She didn’t want me to tell you, wouldn’t let me.” It had been a long time coming. 

“Your brother told me, Peter.”

It was my turn to watch him in silence.

“He told me a year ago.”

“And you never went to visit her?” I clutched my drink a little too tightly. I was afraid it would explode, I would explode.

“I tried.”

“You tried?”

He offered no more.

The waiter came back with a tray of drinks. A beer for him, a beer for me. 

He covered the check.

#

It rained the morning of her funeral. We stood under large black umbrellas. 

My brother stood with his wife on one side, I stood with my wife and son on the other. We never looked at each other.

I waited to catch a glimpse of the father, just like I waited at the top of the stairs waiting to catch a glimpse of the monster that had so long fascinated and terrified me. I did not laugh, did not smile. I had pretended, like I had in bed, to feel nothing.

He never showed. Not in the small crowd, not on the hill far away.

My brother and I went our separate ways. He went back under his bridge to sink bottles of beer, I opened the car door for my wife and fastened my son into his seat.

#

I stayed home from work. I slept during the day and sat awake at night. I listened to the rain, the wind, I listened for the monsters.

I listened to my son whimper, “Daddy?” 

I waited for his second call and slipped out of bed, across the hallway that I had crossed many times in the dark. 

I turned on his lamp and watched his head poke out from under the covers. I watched his eyes light up. “Daddy.” He pointed at his closet, whispered. “There’s a monster.”

I would pick up the bottle of water labeled “monster spray,” just like my mother had done, and go over to the closet, open it slowly. I would spray it a few times, wait, close the closet, and set it down again.

“Did you kill the monsters, daddy?”

I patted my son’s head, sat down on the floor next to him and closed my eyes.

“There’s no such thing as monsters, Peter.”

Never been kissed: The movie

Remember that movie about a journalist that, at the age of 25, has never kissed a boy? Ridiculed in high school for being a nerd, basically no friends, supposedly needed a makeover? So she goes back to high school to cover the scene undercover in order to make it as a reporter.

Ignoring the last bit, full circle around to a nice little place we like to call: My life.

Meet Dani, a college-aged photojournalist weaving her way in and out of a university of 46 thousand students, armed with a camera, a shitty sense of humor, and something that people don't actually take seriously: She's never been kissed.

Tag line for a movie, right there. Somewhere, someone in Hollywood could be making another pretty penny off of the life of college students that, for lack of better term, don't get any.

People have this misconception that, as a woman, it's really easy to get laid. Step back for a minute: Have you met me?

Sure, you might be able to supposedly walk up to a random guy and say "Hey, have sex with me," but I need a little bit of a commitment before that were to happen.

Now that we got that off of my chest, to the actual point of this blog.

People don't believe me when I tell them I've never before in my life kissed anybody. I'm almost twenty. I'm like a fucking unicorn or something. They think that I'm either lying, exaggerating, or all around just an idiot.

Well I am doing none of those three things, although I may have my stupid moments.

Yet when they do realize that I'm actually telling the truth, they don't take me seriously. Not seriously as in "Oh, she's telling a joke," but seriously as in "How, as a human being, are you even possible?"

I feel behind on "the curve."

Apparently society has branded into the minds of everyone that if you're almost twenty years old and you still haven't kissed a single person, there's something wrong with you.

I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong with me. This isn't a case of missed opportunity. This is a case of me, throughout high school, simply not wanting to kiss anybody. I found nobody in my graduating class (or , let's be honest, in my home town) appealing enough to want to share spit with them.

Is that graphic? I'm sorry. But it's the cold truth. You should have seen my high school.

And now that I'm in college. One person has told me they don't see me as the significant other type, one person has told me the first person I date will be the person I marry, and most people look at me and tell me that there are a lot of opportunities for me to "get some."

I, first of all, have never come across one of these opportunities. Maybe I'm blind to them, which is probably accurate. Someone could be throwing themselves at me and I probably wouldn't be able to tell very well if they were being serious or not. Probably because the last person that supposedly wanted to date me was basically a big joke.

Regardless. I can't bring it upon myself to get smashed and go around kissing everyone in sight. I would be, upon sobering up, far too embarrassed.

Besides, even the journalist in that shitty chick flick ended up happy in the end. Maybe it just might take a little while.

Welcome to walking with a woman.

Today, while walking down the street at like 1 in the morning, some ass hole felt the need to shout at me from the window of his car.

I was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and a poncho with flats and walking with a somewhat bigger male friend of mine, and this lovely work of a human being decides to ask "Where them hoes at?"

Being the wishful and ever hopeful person that I am (in which I sometimes try to have faith in humanity), I jokingly imagined that they were referencing my friend, who conveniently has the name of a gardening tool worked into his last name.

My friend looked over at the car and then back at me and asked a question: Are they talking to us?

I kept walking and calmly said "Welcome to walking with a woman. Ignore it and keep going."

They continued to remark on my legs and how, given the chance, they would supposedly "lick the shit out of my ass hole" -- which, hold the fucking boat on the dock, how the hell would that be enticing to anyone? What would even possess you to think of this when you come across a stranger at 1 in the morning walking down a poorly lit street? Would you say this to your girlfriend? I was more caught up in the 'why the hell would this thought cross your mind' portion than I was with the fact they were yelling out the window at me.

I was simply disgusted.

Half of me wanted to give them the middle finger and tell them to "eat this, you cowardly motherfucker," but the other half of me told my body to keep walking and ignore them. I chose the latter. Despite the fact my male friend was bigger than myself, I didn't want to cause any trouble. Having witnessed a mugging a week prior to, I was in no mood for any sort of action or dealings with the law.

Because we all know I could have easily beaten the shit out of some ass hole like that. I wasn't explicitly trained in martial arts, but I learn a lot from watching -- and I watched my brother do tang so do for seven or more years. I am deceiving in that manner apparently, knowing small amounts of self defense.

But the fact that I said "ignore it and keep going" was relevant in and of itself.

Society constantly demonstrates that sexism and misogyny and all around ignorant fucks are common.

I have to have people walk me to my car late at night so I don't get followed, harassed, or raped. Women have to ignore sexist and overly rude remarks about them so they don't cause trouble, get followed, harassed, or raped. Society teaches women to carry pepper spray and never walk alone, to ignore harassment, and keep walking.

Society does not teach men not to rape and not to harass.

If a woman walking down the street with a friend can blatantly ignore ignorant remarks as previously mentioned, then men are perfectly capable of ignoring a woman walking down the street enough to not shout these rude remarks at her.

There is something blatantly wrong with that picture.

Sometimes I feel inspired to purchase a paintball gun and to open fire upon the cars of those cowardly ass hats that choose to shout sexual things out the window to strangers.

Here's a tip: If you can't get out of your car, say it to my face, and then let me be the living shit out of you, don't open your fucking mouth.

Why you should love a writer in the first place

Despite the emotional turmoil, writers are often great people to be in a relationship with. Not that I'm, well, biased or anything.

You will never again run out of things to read. Self explanatory.

You will fall in love with words, because she will use them to paint a picture in your mind, a picture of a beautiful place. She will write you love letters and poems and dedicate novels to you. You might not know it at first. She will probably be writing poems about you and basing characters off of you before you even speak to her. You might possibly be her muse and not even know it.

But when you do know it, you will become immortalized in ink. She'll create characters modeled in your likeness, she'll write down the words that you speak, the things that you do, the places you go and the stories you tell. She will use you, but you will forever go down in print. And maybe only you will know it. You will share this secret with your writer. You are hers, but she is also yours.

There is no in between with a writer. She wears her heart on her sleeve for all to see, and if you look close enough you will either see how deeply she loves you or how much she despises you. She may be secretive, but you will know if she is happy or if she is sad. Why she feels the way she does is an entirely different question, but she won't keep you guessing what she's feeling.

If you forget a Valentine's Day present, pick up a notebook and decorate the cover. Or just pick up a notebook. Or give her an old book you found laying in your closet. Or a bundle of pens and pencils that you don't plan on using anymore.

If you thought writers were creative on paper, you should see them in real life. A mystery writer might ask you to tie her to a chair so she can try to escape, try to figure out how her main character is about to get out of a sticky situation. And if you thought a writer's mind can drift, I can guarantee that yours is currently.

If she writes for a living she can go anywhere. When you move, if you want to take her with you, all you need to do is pack up her desk and her writing utensils and take her on an adventure. And she will love every minute of her.

It might be difficult at first, and these reasons may seem shallow. But in all honesty, you should date a writer because she, with every inch of her body, will love you until you break her heart.

How to love a writer: Dating her

After you've won her heart, you need to keep it. It won't be hard for her to love you after you've already won your place there. You're now like one of her favorite novels, stuck nice and neat in a specific place in her book shelf. You aren't going anywhere. She's got you bookmarked.

Understand that writers can go days without having a meaningful conversation with you. She might need her alone time. If she does, let her have it. She's working through a plot hole or something that's been bothering her, hurting her novel. If it's hurting her work, in her mind it's hurting her. Let her work it out on her own time.

If she wants to stay awake until three in the morning trying to perfect something, trying to get inspiration, let her. If she wants to watch the sun rise so she can experience it, let her. Stay up with her, keep her company. Watch the sun rise with her over the top of the horizon. If you fall asleep, she understands it's the thought that counts. You might even be endearing to her.

Remember when you promised to hold onto that one pen for her? Keep it. If you lose it, find another one just like it. She will know you weren't lying, know that you will always be there for her.

Ask her if her favorite author has written a new book (If s/he's still alive, that is). Chances are that it will be noticeable when your writer disappears for a few hours or wakes up to a package and grins. Ask if you can borrow the book when she's done with it. If there isn't a new book, ask her if there's something you should read anyway. She probably has a large bookshelf full of things she would be willing to let you borrow.

Bring her alcohol or coffee or tea. Sit and drink with her. Engage in meaningless conversation. Talk about the weather or about trains. Ask her about her characters or about her plot. Don't criticize them. She's not finished. Don't edit her work. If she wanted you to she would ask.

Always ask if she has anything of hers you can read. She probably does. Read it. Ask her about it.

You must be patient with her. Writers can be a very peculiar and finicky type. You need to be dedicated and positive that she is what you want, even if it's for a short time. Because, if in the middle, you change your mind and hurt her, you will probably regret it.

Never hurt her. Or at least try not to. Writers, when hurt, always have the option to take out their grief and pain through the written word. And that means print, and that means publishing for the world to see. If you make a writer cry, she will turn her tears into print. And once in print, she can't take it back. So don't break her heart. If you must, let her down gently, a soft landing in the grass. Buy her another notebook and tell her to hate you with the best words that she has.

How to love a writer: Earning her heart

Buy her a book. But not just any book. Buy her a book with blank pages and ask her to write you a story. But never tell her what to write. Ask her to write for herself, whatever she wants. Tell her she knows best. She is the writer, and she will choose to write you a story or she not.

Furthermore, pay attention to her. Maybe she only likes to write on certain paper. Maybe she has a special notebook cover that has refillable pages. Maybe she has a favorite writing utensil. If you know what she writes with down to the brand, the tip size, and the ink color, you inhabit one of the most intimate parts of a writer's brain. Buy a pen. Keep it on you at all times. She might lose hers and ask if you have one. Give it to her. Make her give it back. Tell her that if she ever loses her pen in your presence that you will always have it for her.

Make her a cup of coffee, tea if that's her thing. Writers don't get much sleep if they're any good at their craft. She is always in search of caffeine or something to drink. It helps her take her minds out of the small places that it sometimes get stuck in. Sometimes she just needs a break. Give her one. Talk to her. Find out what makes her tick.

Ask her why she writes. Chances are she was inspired by someone. Maybe it was a book, maybe it was an author. It could even be something that happened in her past. She has a reason. If it's an author, a book, ask if she has any copies. She's probably read them several times, she'll probably let you borrow one. If she does, read it. Even if you hate reading. Never tell her that. It would be like telling her that you hate breathing. She may never forgive you. When you finish reading the book, give it back. Always give it back.

If she asks you to give her a name, give her one. Don't take it as a joke. Give her the best name that you could ever come up with. If she can't make one up on her own, there's a high probability that she will use the one you give her in her finished product, in her life's legacy. She has put faith in you. Don't break that faith that she has.

Ask if you can read what she's writing. Don't just take it. Don't read it over her shoulder. If she says no, don't insist. Chances are it's because she hasn't fallen in love with her writing yet. She needs to love the writing before you can love the writing. When she's ready to share her writing, this is the ultimate trust. She may have started to fall.

Abandoning your passions: Why I stopped dancing

The title is misleading. I haven't technically stopped dancing. I will forever be dancing. Even now, despite my lack of desire to continue to pursue ballroom throughout my undergraduate years, I still social dance. But if I truly wanted to describe what I've done, the changes I've made, the title would never fit in the little bar that I've been given.

So to clarify. I plan on social dancing for many years to come. I will never stop moving my body to some form of music. My heart will always find the beat. But I am no longer part of a team, no longer seeking a competitive aspect to dance. So let me explain my decision.

It was not an easy decision to make.

I still fight myself over whether or not I made the right choice, whether or not I'm following my heart. Yet I return to the same conclusions that I have been coming to for a while.

At the beginning of the fall semester of 2012 I was facing some of my most difficult life changes. I had moved off campus, and it was settling in that I would truly be on my own for quite some time. My family was falling apart in front of me, I was loosing friends, I wasn't eating or sleeping, I was struggling with my new job, and I could feel my grades start to slowly slip from the tips of my fingers. I couldn't do it all. So I forced myself to pick and choose.

I started to ignore my family's problems. I started to talk to a therapist to try to make sense of some of the things that were going on, to seek advice. I sought out the friends that I knew I wanted to keep and weaved myself closer to them. I abandoned the ones I didn't need in my life, the ones that could potentially cause me more harm than good. I failed a class. I forced myself to do better the next semester. Anything less than a 3.0 wouldn't fly anymore. Anything less than a 3.5 was a reason to be concerned. I threw myself into my work, simply because it was something I loved.

I loved the people that I worked with, I loved the opportunity, and I was slowly beginning to fall in love with the prospect of a career in the photography world.

But I still wasn't eating or sleeping.

I had to make a decision: Did I want to pursue ballroom, something that I thoroughly enjoyed my freshman year, something that pulled me out of the shell that I was living in, something that gave me some of the greatest friends I could ever want? Or did I want to pursue my job, where the opportunities were so great that I didn't know what to do with myself, where having a social life outside of work would be difficult, but where I worked with some of the greatest people I think I will ever meet?

Something had to give, and the idea of two years without a dance partner started to force me to believe that it would be the former: I was going to stop dancing.

I cried about the decision that I would make, but only once. Compared to the numerous times I'd cried at practice, to the numerous times that I debated going, contemplated whether or not being there would be worth it.

In the end it wasn't enough. Ballroom was gone out of my life in a snap decision. I was scarce first semester, I was a ghost second semester.

There were other factors, beside the being partnerless and needing to abandon something in my life.

It rested on the fact that I am a self-conscious individual, that I live in the paranoid state that I don't belong.

The team, don't get me wrong, is probably one of the greatest groups of people that I could have met my first year of college. I learned so many things about myself, things that I probably would have liked to ignore had I had the opportunity. I met great people. I had happy moments.

But I never felt like I truly belonged, never felt that I was truly a part of the team. The start of the second year, that feeling grew. There were so many new faces, and so many of the faces that I loved to see were suddenly gone. And suddenly I felt like an outcast. I began to doubt myself, began to hate going to practice because I was never sure if anyone wanted me there.

Albeit it was probably all in my head, but I always feel like a nuisance to people. It was amplified.

And the day I realized that I had more fun running around in the woods, climbing 8 foot fences, crossing rivers and creeks with the ROTC for my job than I had in a year at ballroom, I called my mother and father. I started to cry, my last night that I would ever attend a ballroom practice. I proposed my dilemma: I don't feel like I belong anymore, I think this new place is where I need to be.

She told me to follow my heart and to follow my head. Both of them were telling me to leave, right then and there. To walk out the door that I was closest to without saying good bye.

So I did.

This is my good bye to the ballroom world. It happens to be long overdue, as is my explanation.

A few people knew, the few that I explained it to. But here I am, emphasizing what I might have said a few times.

Goodbye.

But this isn't to go without thanks.

To those of you that know who you are:

Thanks for making me who I am. Thank you for making me laugh when I needed it the most, for making a joke when I needed to smile, for letting me cry on your shoulder without explanation. Thank you for teaching me, for believing in me, even the slightest bit, despite the fact I wasn't going to go many places. Thank you for letting me belong, if only for a little while, in your hearts as part of a team. Thank you for teaching me who I was, for allowing me to learn and change as time went on.

I won't forget the friends that I made, and I hope you don't dislike me for disappearing like I did.

Please don't hate me for distancing myself quickly, but I knew it was like a bandaid that I needed to rip off. I couldn't make a soft decision, I had to pry myself off very fast and very permanently. I apologize.

But dance on, mother fuckers. Dance like I'm still there to take photos.

Things that are useful to writers

Snuggies. I'm not joking. I own three of them. If you've ever noticed those nights when you leave your window open and it gets really cold, but you're too lazy to get up to shut the window because you might lose inspiration then you will appreciate the existence of a Snuggie. Or two. One of my snuggies has pockets. The other one has a little sweater pouch. The third one is really fuzzy with pockets. I have options, mother fucker. But they have sleeves. If you've ever tried writing when it's cold by putting a blanket over yourself, it doesn't really work. Either the blanket falls off or you can't write. Robes are totally meant for after shower, so don't even go there. Use a Snuggie.

Faulty Internet is probably your next best thing. If you're like me, you start to write and then you get distracted by something really stupid on the internet and it's probably the worst thing ever because then you get nothing done. However, if you don't have internet, or if your internet is like molasses, you would be less inclined to dick around. Unless you have a shit ton of research to do (Which, let's be honest, you should have already done), not having internet could be a very productive resource.

Alcohol. I have a bottle of vodka sitting on my night stand. I'm not even joking. Do I sit there and tip it back every night? No. That would be disgusting. Straight vodka? Maybe I'll make myself a martini or something every other week, chill out for a minute, and then get some stuff done. Alcohol relaxes me, makes me stationary, allows me to take a minute to think. All of the great writers, if you've noticed, were basically alcoholics. They clearly had something going on in there that worked.

Thesauruses are cool. Or chic. Or funky. Or happening. Kicky and fly. Because it gets quite dull if you simply use the same words over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Know what I mean? Grab a freaking thesaurus, flip through it, and learn some new words. Now that doesn't mean that you need to do this for every word. But maybe every once and a while it could be some good practice.

Get a notebook and carry it with you. Scribble down notes. Write out character descriptions. Jot down things that people say, things that people do. Even if you think you might never use it. Chances are it might be able to help you further down the line.

A favorite pen. Or a favorite pen brand. Find something that you enjoy writing with, not something that you get stuck fighting with. This isn't a Bond/Villain rivalry here. This is a productive relationship.

Fall in love with what you're writing. Make love to what you're writing so that you never want to stop. Even if you get into a small little tiff, you will be able to work it out. A great man once said, all you need is love.

I don't think that's in my job description?

In the past 6 months I have climbed an 8 foot fence, crossed creeks by using a giant log, run through the woods in pursuit of an ROTC group, crawled, climbed, and fallen my way through my job.All while carrying a really expensive camera that isn't technically mine. A few months ago I stood outside in the rain photographing a construction site, where I probably contracted bronchitis. Tomorrow I'm photographing baby otters. Next week, next month... who even knows?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Are these things even in my job description?

I haven't the faintest. Yet somewhere, underneath my grumblings about the cold weather and the rain and the inability to get certain people to talk to me, I enjoy myself. I enjoy wandering through the woods and climbing fences and running to work on a deadline. I enjoy the fact that I get to meet so many interesting people, so many new faces. I get to see these people when I go to class or when I cover a new event -- people start to recognize me.

In a sense it scares me. I went from being the most antisocial person on the planet to being in a profession that requires me to be completely immersed in social activity. I went from no job to working nearly full-time. I went from looking at photography as a hobby to look at photography as a potential profession, and I thoroughly enjoy every step I'm making in that direction.

Someone asked me once, whether or not I hated my job and the fact that it kept me working nearly non-stop, the fact that I had no idea what I was going to be doing tomorrow or over the weekend. My friends asked me whether or not I hated suddenly not having a social life, or not being able to pursue a hobby that I enjoyed.

I simply told them no. No I did not hate my job, no I did not hate the hours that I worked, and no I did not hate that I was suddenly busy. I fucking loved it. It was something that I suddenly became passionate about, something that, despite some of the losses, was worth it.

Besides: I don't engage in something that I find worthless.

Sure, it was stressful at times, it was hectic, I lost a lot of friends. Sometimes I want to rip out all of my hair and throw in the towel, but then I realize I don't actually want to do that. Where would I be if I quit? I would be out some great friends, good times, and experience.

Working where I work, I have so many amazing coworkers and so many opportunities. And after all, how many people get to say that they love their job and the people they work with?

Life is fragile, but:

Everyone has heard the age-old saying that "Life is fragile" and that you should handle it with care.

I won't deny this. There is always the possibility that life will come to an end, that something will go wrong and you won't be able to change it. But that's all that it is: A possibility. Just because life can be ended, doesn't mean that you shouldn't dare live it to the limits. Carpe Diem, seize the day. Carpe Noctem, seize the night.

Don't let yourself live in a bubble just because something bad might happen. Don't not confess your feelings for someone because they might not share them. Don't not live because you might die. Eventually you will, and I, being the firm believer in everything happens for a reason, believe that the time will come when you have achieved a greater purpose in life.

Now I could write a whole other blog describing my belief in fate but my disbelief in God, but I'll save that for when I run out of ideas.

Regardless: Live life to the fullest, no matter how fragile it might be.

Take that dance class that you've been eyeing for a few months, even if you don't have a partner and are afraid that you'll be standing alone in the corner of the room, trying to follow along by yourself.

Close your eyes for a few seconds while you're doing 85 on the freeway and there aren't any cars around.

Play your out of tune instrument and sing off key while you sit on your deck drinking beer, even if you have nosy neighbors.

Tell someone you love them and mean it.

Tell someone you love them, if only for a little while.

Love like you've never loved before and be the person you've always wanted to be, without fear, without hesitation.

Yes, life is fragile, but you also need to experience it before you can correctly call it as such.

How James Bond started my writing passion

Casino Royale hit theaters when I was in 8th grade. Being the extremely independent middle school child that I was, my friend's mother drove us to see the movie at the midnight release. It was the first blond Bond and I was intrigued, to say the least. But, as an avid Bondathon watcher every Thanksgiving, I felt obligated to hit the midnight showing.

And then I felt obligated to read the James Bond books, starting all the way back with Casino Royale, published in 1953. Suddenly I was hooked, checking out book after book from the local library. The original Ian Fleming novels, the newer ones by Eric Van Lustbader and John Gardner and Raymond Benson. Later the Young Bond series.

When I was attached to those novels, I suddenly felt the need to want to continue them. And thus began my passion for writing. My eighth grade self was going to be the next Ian Fleming. So my Bond started his journey to defeat another enemy of the state of Britain after an attack inside MI6.

I finished approximately eleven chapters and truly thought I was going to be the one to continue the Bond legacy and name.

Until I realized I didn't know the difference between "your" and "you're." Yes. I was one of those people. Thankfully that ignorance was short lived.

Sometimes figurative tornadoes tear things apart

In light of the recent tornado warning in Ingham county, here's a little story that may or may not explain some things in my life.

The other day I was sitting at home -- you know, the place I go to do laundry and eat real food. I was watching a rerun of NCIS and just waiting for my father to call me. It was the day before his birthday, the day before Memorial Day. Yet, alas, working in the newspaper industry, Monday was a production night. I had to be at work. So we were celebrating a day early. At least some of us were.

They say that photos capture moments, memories. Maybe that's why I work in a photography department. But memories can fade and change and suddenly become the most painful thoughts that the mind can fathom. And as I was sitting there, watching Leroy Jethro Gibbs head slap his senior field agents, my mother started to cry.

These once happy memories where my brother and I would vacuum the living room at the age of 5, or swim in a tiny swimming pool barely big enough for a guinea pig.  A family.

All of these happy moments captured on film, to survive until they burned to shreds.

Or until something rips through the memories and pulls them apart piece by piece, something like divorce.

My parents are in the middle of a divorce. The papers were just served, the stuff has been divvied, and my father has moved out. Everything has been turned upside down, tossed across the room, and changed shape. Happy memories of family vacations have now turned into hollow moments.

But that's why they make photo albums. You can tuck away those memories nice and neat, stick them in a closet, and you can buy a new album. You can fill it with whatever you want, whatever makes you smile or cry from joy. There is always the option to create new memories and new moments that will stay with you forever with new people.

Pulling out those old albums might hurt, just like all good things, but loss and heartache just allows you to appreciate love and joy more so than you might already.

After all, T'is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Gatsby Review: How old is the sport?

So old.

Old as balls.

Let me preface this with a disclaimer or two. I have seen The Great Gatsby exactly once. I saw it in 2D. I don't study film, I study literature. I haven't read Gatsby in a few years.

That being said, I walked out of the theatre with mixed feelings about the movie. The classic literature student in me wanted to rip everything apart, but the modernist in me wanted to post up a round of applause. I was stuck debating whether or not I wanted a more traditional Gatsby or a fully modernized Jay-G. I haven't decided yet.

So I'll take this in pieces. First, the soundtrack. At first I was very wary about the completely modern music choices, but the mix of the jazz age and today's R & B was actually very entertaining. The sequencing of the movie to the music fit very well. Now that isn't to say that the soundtrack was my favorite, but I can appreciate it for what it was.

The casting. While there are many literary criticisms suggesting that Gatsby is black and while I would have loved to see someone of a different ethnicity play Gatsby, I think DiCaprio did a good job. I wasn't fond of the casting of Nick, but honestly I don't like Nick anyway. I honestly wish there was more of Gatsby, mostly because I like DiCaprio's slightly awkward portrayal of the original symbol of the American dream. The Wolfsheim minor character portrayal was very interesting to me. He was a sleazy person and made me uncomfortable. I thought it was fitting.

The cinematography, however, was excellent. There were times, during the party scene, I felt just as drunk as the people there. And that was honestly sort of neat. I would really like to see the movie in 3D, because I realized in the 2D showing that there were a lot of scenes that were just meant to be in 3D. So I think that's the next thing on my to-do list.

But all in all, the movie acts as an idea present in the Gatsby novel: The old versus the new. The past versus the present. The soundtrack, the characterizations, the cinematography and the movie as a whole is simply an extension of that. The 1920s meets modernism. And while the movie didn't blow me away,  it certainly didn't disappoint me. It is a movie that can be appreciate for what it is and be enjoyed as a form of entertainment, not an object of criticism.

And while I would love to expand upon this, I need to finish my blogs for class. But feel free to hit me up sometime in person.

Making tea: If you want something, you'll find a way

Last night, around 1 in the morning (I'm not 100% positive on the time, but something around there. My phone was dead), I wanted a cup of tea. My allergies were bothering my throat and I was suddenly losing my voice. But alas, I was not at home. I did not have my shiny red tea kettle at my disposal. I was in a coworker's basement with a box of tea that I had just purchased at 7-11 a few hours prior to.

I didn't want to be rude, so I offered tea to the rest of the group. Three people took me up on that offer. I was now at the point of no return. I had promised tea, I was going to get that tea.

But this house was an all male house. And we all know how men fare in the kitchen. There was not a tea kettle. There was one massive pot that took me five minutes to find. I didn't want to microwave tea in a mug, because microwaved water is disgusting. So I put some water in the giant pot, dug out some plastic cups, and waited for the water to boil. That was the easy part. The tricky part was somehow going to be pouring the steaming hot water into a plastic cup without a funnel and without spilling all over myself.

But finally, after fifteen minutes in a kitchen that wasn't mine, I managed to produce four cups of black tea.

Moral of the story? If you want something, you'll find a way to get it.

Humans are adaptable creatures. We are capable of so many amazing things, so many things that other people wouldn't even dream of. But you need to understand that.

Confidence is the first step in attaining what you want. This isn't a tutorial on how to get it, but rather some observations. If you want to ask someone on a date, ask someone on a date and do it with confidence. It's attractive when someone goes for what they want. To others, to employers, to everyone. You have to know, for a fact, that you will pour the tea into the cup without spilling. And if you do, you wipe it up and keep going.

Start with a plan. If something goes wrong: Improvise. Wing it. Just because something alters does not mean that you will fail. It just means you have to try to get it from a different way.

And you can.

What if?: Old poetry, same themes.

1.
_{I hope you read this one day.
Maybe while you're sitting at the top
(or maybe the bottom) of the bright yellow slide--
which probably isn't bright anymore.
Or maybe you'll be seated in the small white chair
facing my old fence
with your old blue helmet sitting near
you know, the one with the dinosaurs on it?
I think they were dinosaurs.
I hope they were dinosaurs,
because every time I stare at my dinosaur blanket
I think of you.
And every time I hold it close to me
I remember what we were.}

2.
_{Now when you read this through until the end
(at least until the end I proclaim,
because it's the best I can offer),
I hope you think about me
and all we could have been.
While you're thinking, I hope you remember me.
But I'm not the same little girl,so I'll ask you to do your best,
and hope you don't think too little of me
because I never sent you a picture.
I only sent words.
But those words are me, just like always.
They give you a better idea
because I wrote them. No one else had to do it for me
like they would a photograph
with a fake smile.}

3.
_{And I hope you read this and have that feeling
where all our memories flood back
and seem so real that you could reach out
and just pluck one--like the pensive
in our favorite movie--and watch it again
and over and over, together, you and I.
And when you remember all of this,
I hope you can feel everything I did 
and I hope it brings a tear to your eye
like it did mine (but maybe that's because
I am just a girl. But I am that girl).
and when you cry I hope you feel better soon,
because I would never wish you hurt.}

4.
_{When you read this, if you don't trash it,
I'm going to ask you to remember my letter
the one you might have burned or destroyed
or left it unopened and tossed away.
Or maybe you never got it.
I'll ask you to remember why you never replied,
why you hurt me so;
why you made me think you dead;
why I cry when I remember you,
because you brought that pain into my heart
like an introduction to hell.
And you destroyed the trust I had left
and every hope I felt.
And I'll ask you to ask yourself:
What could we have been?}

5.
_{And though you destroyed me,
I will always be attached.
I will always fall in love with you.
I will always wait.}


I wrote this poem a year ago and for some reason someone thought it was alright. I don't know why.  Looking at it now I sort of wish I would change some things, but I'll refrain from doing so in order to grasp the originality.

The idea behind it, however, the thought process that went into it, remains.

Too often today people ask themselves "What if?"

I am one of those people.

Too often I get caught up in fear that my chances end sooner than I can realize I had them. I'm talking relationships here. Remember when I wrote a blog on why I've never dated? Did I mention that I was also absolutely afraid of being rejected? I mean god. Everyone is.

I'm still absolutely afraid of this. It's still why I've been single for almost 20 years. It's why I've never kissed anyone or been on a date. I've managed to never tell a single person that I was falling in love with them every time they laughed or smiled or told a really bad joke.

I am the person that asks "What if?"

How do I fix this? I haven't figured that one out yet. Over coming this fear isn't something that I've been able to do in so many years, so when I find the answer I'll be a-okay. But until then I'll sit and stare and smile and laugh at jokes that I don't understand and silently wonder what could happen if maybe I said something out loud.

Or what if you did?

I am a flight risk.

I'm not being arrested and sent to prison, don't worry. I'm not attempting to run away from court or the police or impending incarceration. I simply have the need to be somewhere.

There are so many places that I want to be, so many great countries and cities all across the world. Places and trips that would give me a purpose.

Whether it's takin the train to Chicago or driving to New York. Hopping on a plane to England or to France or to Spain and getting lost in a foreign country.

I have the need to disappear into the world for a little while, to lose myself in streets in another land, to lose myself entirely, only to eventually find my way back home. I have the need to be someone else, if only for a minute. I am a flight risk.

But I also realize that I have responsibilities. I have a job, I have classes. These are the things that hold me back. So I relieve myself by taking small adventures into forests and corn fields, by disappearing for a few hours. I drive, I take myself on these seemingly endless roads that I never want to end.

I seek a purpose because I don't have one just yet.

I have no obligation to my family to be in a certain place at a certain time. My parents are divorced, living separate lives. My brother has a job, has his own friends, his own life. I have friends, but I force myself to ask the question: Would they miss me if I disappeared on an adventure? I have no significant other to spend time with. I have no obligation to anyone but myself, and sometimes myself wants to escape life for a little bit.

Yet I'm here, stuck in a small college town trying to make the best of it, eagerly seeking that freedom, waiting for the chance to leave my life for a week or a month or however long it takes to find something absolutely incredible. So I'm forced to make the best out of midnight trips to Meijer or the simple act of discovering a new street that I didn't know existed.

In some sense, that small discovery is great. I have a purpose for a small amount of time in my life. But the big cities, the foreign countries, the concept of a new place where no one knows my name -- these things call to me.

One day I will answer to this call and simply disappear into the wind for a little while. My obligation to myself will be complete and I will have no one to answer to. But until that day I'll need to make the best of my dreams. I'll dream of the day that I step foot onto an airplane for the first time, or the day that I stand on the edge of a cliff and listen to the wind. I'll dream of the people that I'll meet and the people that I will fall in and out of love with. I'll dream and I'll know that one day those dreams might be reality, if only because I need them to be.

Everything lives to die, but:

Life is all about the end. Televisions shows end, books end, parties end, relationships end, jobs end, roller coasters end, road trips end, marriages end.

Everything essentially lives to die.

But death, as is demonstrated in the tarot card of the same name, is not always a bad thing. The death of one thing simply means that something is changing. Change is helpful. People change so much within a short amount of time. Certainly, it can be a bad thing in some cases, but sometimes that change is so amazing that it can inspire boundless things.

A year ago I never let anyone in. Two years ago I didn't have friends. Look at me today. I've been called a social butterfly. I drink socially. I have a great job with great coworkers. I spend more time with other people than I spend time alone. I have great friends, and while I don't tell them everything that crosses my mind, I'm more open now than I've ever been. I write personal shit down in a blog that gets posted to the internet. Anyone can read my intimate thoughts and past struggles. But everyone can also see my current successes. My life, the people in it, my mental health has improved so incredibly in a year that I hardly consider myself the same person anymore.

I have changed drastically for the better. I can safely say that the person I used to be has died. There was an end to what I was, and that ending was the best thing that could happen.

If a marriage ends, there's the potential for another one. If a television show ends, another one will replace it. When the last cover of a book is closed, there's another book on the shelf. There's always another party, another friend or another lover. There's plenty of jobs -- unless you live in Michigan.

There is always something to look forward to.

Humans adapt. We live through and we push on and we survive. And one day we won't survive, and the people around us will adapt because nothing gold can stay. And that is perfectly alright.