What if?: Old poetry, same themes.

1.
_{I hope you read this one day.
Maybe while you're sitting at the top
(or maybe the bottom) of the bright yellow slide--
which probably isn't bright anymore.
Or maybe you'll be seated in the small white chair
facing my old fence
with your old blue helmet sitting near
you know, the one with the dinosaurs on it?
I think they were dinosaurs.
I hope they were dinosaurs,
because every time I stare at my dinosaur blanket
I think of you.
And every time I hold it close to me
I remember what we were.}

2.
_{Now when you read this through until the end
(at least until the end I proclaim,
because it's the best I can offer),
I hope you think about me
and all we could have been.
While you're thinking, I hope you remember me.
But I'm not the same little girl,so I'll ask you to do your best,
and hope you don't think too little of me
because I never sent you a picture.
I only sent words.
But those words are me, just like always.
They give you a better idea
because I wrote them. No one else had to do it for me
like they would a photograph
with a fake smile.}

3.
_{And I hope you read this and have that feeling
where all our memories flood back
and seem so real that you could reach out
and just pluck one--like the pensive
in our favorite movie--and watch it again
and over and over, together, you and I.
And when you remember all of this,
I hope you can feel everything I did 
and I hope it brings a tear to your eye
like it did mine (but maybe that's because
I am just a girl. But I am that girl).
and when you cry I hope you feel better soon,
because I would never wish you hurt.}

4.
_{When you read this, if you don't trash it,
I'm going to ask you to remember my letter
the one you might have burned or destroyed
or left it unopened and tossed away.
Or maybe you never got it.
I'll ask you to remember why you never replied,
why you hurt me so;
why you made me think you dead;
why I cry when I remember you,
because you brought that pain into my heart
like an introduction to hell.
And you destroyed the trust I had left
and every hope I felt.
And I'll ask you to ask yourself:
What could we have been?}

5.
_{And though you destroyed me,
I will always be attached.
I will always fall in love with you.
I will always wait.}


I wrote this poem a year ago and for some reason someone thought it was alright. I don't know why.  Looking at it now I sort of wish I would change some things, but I'll refrain from doing so in order to grasp the originality.

The idea behind it, however, the thought process that went into it, remains.

Too often today people ask themselves "What if?"

I am one of those people.

Too often I get caught up in fear that my chances end sooner than I can realize I had them. I'm talking relationships here. Remember when I wrote a blog on why I've never dated? Did I mention that I was also absolutely afraid of being rejected? I mean god. Everyone is.

I'm still absolutely afraid of this. It's still why I've been single for almost 20 years. It's why I've never kissed anyone or been on a date. I've managed to never tell a single person that I was falling in love with them every time they laughed or smiled or told a really bad joke.

I am the person that asks "What if?"

How do I fix this? I haven't figured that one out yet. Over coming this fear isn't something that I've been able to do in so many years, so when I find the answer I'll be a-okay. But until then I'll sit and stare and smile and laugh at jokes that I don't understand and silently wonder what could happen if maybe I said something out loud.

Or what if you did?