Some people use social media as a cry for help.
I am one of those people.
I wrote a post when I first started this blog about how I once felt so close to a group of people that I no longer wanted to throw myself off of a roof.
Today, for the first time in a long time and the first post of the new year, I'm no longer in that place. I'm locked away in my apartment, glad that I'm too paralyzed by myself to leave. Which I guess that paralyzing anxiety is good in one aspect: I won't do anything stupid. With the exception of publishing my greatest secrets on the internet in this post.
It isn't a secret that I struggle with anxiety, but maybe it is a secret that most days getting out of bed for me is hard. It's the most difficult thing I'll have to do, because sometimes ignoring the world is so much easier.
That's why I have the internet.
You can shit on and dog everyone that uses places like Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and every single social networking site, but sit the fuck down before you do because you don't know a damn thing about that person.
The internet is generally a safe place where I can write and publish my fear and anxiety (and let me tell you, there's enough to go around for everyone). Generally I don't get shit for it. Generally I get strangers half way across the world telling me that I'm a wonderful person or that I'm beautiful or something to make sure that I don't do something I'll regret. These are the people, strangers, that have kept my head up.
Not the people I see on a daily basis.
The people that I see on a daily basis probably couldn't tell if I had laughed so hard that I cried or if I was so damaged that I couldn't stop myself from crying.
In real life, I can sit and stare at my phone for hours on end, going through my contacts, wanting and needing someone to talk to. I come up with absolutely no one. In real life, I don't actually know who cares about me enough to want to sit with me and listen to me talk or cry -- no one has ever been that person for me.
In the real world I don't know who I can call to save myself, because I don't know that they will try.
