Athena is my dog.
I should probably come up with a shorter title, but I'm not really feeling up to that one.
A few years ago I probably would have posted something stupid on my tumblr like this:
This year I posted something more along the lines of:
1. You don't have to share your 6 pack.
Or any alcohol, really. Before the comments about how single people are all alcoholics drinking away sorrows on Valentine's Day, suck it up for a minute, hear me out. Hopefully you're one of those people that buys good beer. There's a difference between drinking cold piss and drinking decent alcohol. I, personally, am not Bear Grylls and enjoy the latter. If you, like me, do not like to share your booze with other people, you aren't obligated to. Otherwise, say you buy a bottle of wine or a bottle of liquor or a 6 pack. You're probably on a stay at home date with your significant other, and are therefore most likely going to end up sharing your booze. I did not.
2. Sure that dress is cute but look at my Superman sweatpants!
If I could wear these sweatpants for the rest of my life I would be happy. They're warm, they make me nice and cozy under my Snuggie, they're fucking Superman fucking PJs. I will gladly lay around and not put on makeup or dress pants or a necktie or a dress.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHAVE.
Literally this should be the only reason that you need. Shaving. Sucks. Whether it's your legs or your arms or your chest or your face or whatever you shave. IT SUCKS. It's time consuming, there's the possibility that you get to cut yourself, sometimes you run out of shaving cream or your razor is too dull or. The list on why it sucks is so long that it sucks.
4. Legitimately you can just watch Netflix all day.
Of course, I helped someone move on Valentine's day, but if I hadn't I probably would have just sat around watching Game of Thrones. Until midnight. Literally a season of GoT.
5. No presents!
I think they actually raise the price of chocolate and flowers and teddy bears and all of that shit at least a month in advance, just in case you're stockpiling for V-Day. But if you don't have anyone to buy for, you don't have to spend any money on things that will either go bad, die, or get lost. You don't have to worry about making reservations at some ~fancy~ restaurant, don't have to buy anyone but yourself dinner (which I mean, let's be honest. Pizza and beer all the way), and you don't have to buy any cards. Ace.
6. You can stay home and not have to watch handsy people grabbing at each other.
I am all for public display of affection. Seriously, go for it. But for some reason during February it just amplifies. There was one year I actually thought that two people were going to take off their clothes and go at it right there on the floor. Or, as Maverick from Top Gun would say, "No, actually, I had this counter in mind."
7. The next day, everything is more than 50% off.
If you're going to celebrate Valentine's day, do it on the 15th. Or the 16th. Do it whenever the fuck you want after the 14th finishes. It will be so much cheaper and those reservations won't take fifteen minutes + of sitting on hold.
8. Maybe I'm sentimental, but it's hella commercial.
Valentine's Day is actually a waste of calendar space, but not because I don't think it's important to ~express your love~ or some shit. There are generally 365 days in a year, why do you need to dedicate exactly one day for your relationship/mushy feelings? Why not have that candlelit dinner on September 10th? Or buy that one red rose on June 30th? Why do people need a calendar date reserved for people to be thankful that they're in a relationship or that they have someone they can share time with? Valentine's day exists so that people can spend money and big name flower/chocolate industries can profit off of the expectation that ~love is in the air.~
Fuck that shit.
Be single.
Don't celebrate Valentine's Day.
Run around your house without clothes on.
Stuff your face with chocolate on the 15th.
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